It has been a while...those Austrian cellars aren’t what they used to be. However, Bolton 2nd XV have now gone unbeaten at home since losing to De La Salle on the 23rd February 2013, a mean feat I think you’ll agree?

Anyway, who cares…what really matters is that a group of lads only lost three ‘meaningful’ league games away from home…and managed that without a pre-game “squeeze” or by playing any players from a higher level, an accomplishment many clubs cannot avoid doing in this annoying but good league…”The crouching cockroach smiling gnome division II North”.

The three losing away games early in the season came prior to the xmas break, league winners Blackburn outran, out supported and out manned the travelling Bolton faithful. Chorley 1st XV out witted and out muscled a timid Bolton team at the sludge pit, and Wigan caught Bolton unawares as they prepared for a xmas night out…a close game until a certain Wigan centre decided to turn on the afterburners.

All from all as I have watched from beneath the Journalism Tree I have enjoyed watching this blend of athletes, tiring veterans and young whipper snappers play a brand of unassuming attacking rugby which has excited every single one of their 3 supporters this season.

I haven’t done a report since 1st February when Bolton beat Wigan in the cup away from home, so in true efficient fashion below is a quick round up of every fixture in what was Bolton 2nd XV’s most successful season to date:

Eccles 2nd XV 0 – 39 Bolton 2nd XV - 8th Feb 2014

“Zecko”[/b] – Tom Relph struggles with foreign players, especially pronouncing their names. Bolton showed pure domination in this fixture which proved difficult the year before as they slipped up. In the same fixture in 2014 Bolton played on the same quagmire but this time ran away convincing winners, I vaguely remember a couple of Brad Cliff runs, two Chris Turner tries, and Tony McLaughlin finding his way back to undesirable fitness levels; as a pro evolution footballer he would have peaked at 8/20. This was also the fixture in which veteran Micky Singleton quashed rumours of a retirement as he squirreled his way into the Bolton record books…the only man to have ever played a full game with a bag of mini eggs stored in his cheeks.

[b]Bolton 2nd XV 41 – 5 Trafford MV 2nd XV – 1st March 2014

“The river crow”[/b] – ‘There’s a river in Bolton, it’s called the river crow’ (James Higgins, 2014). At the time of this fixture Trafford MV were Bolton’s closest rivals and this game put this battle to bed quicker than Joe Smith conducts a stop and search outside Bamboogie. Mike (Micky) Singleton will undoubtedly claim that this was his game to shine; he did…his flame red brilo pad hair shining in the February sunshine as he scored. Other players finding top form were colts legend Alex Quegan and James Howarth who started to run riot in attack and defence. The river Crow flows.

[b]Tyldesley 2nd XV 3 – 27 Bolton 2nd XV – 8th March 2014

“You start it, I’ll end it”[/b] – A tough fixture for Bolton, with Micky Singleton away on his romantic trip (wake boarding or something) it meant William Regal had to step into Stand Off, like a game of “howizzeee”… Bolton struggled to get going, and it was only in the last 20mins they took the game by the scruff of neck…a James Higgins snaffle score from 0.03m out started the onslaught and other than a verbal battle on the side-line this was a good fixture to secure as coach of the year Pete “the meat” Marriott held off using his hand to hand combat training against a baying Tyldesley side. Persistence and counter attacking aggression won this fixture.

[b]Northwich 2nd XV 7 – 17 Bolton 2nd XV – 15th March 2014 Cup - Quarters

“Food stubs and Massive dummy side steps ”[/b] – To carry the ball at speed and throw an outrageous dummy is difficult at the best of times, but when you are 19 stone and it’s the last 5 mins of the game it’s as easy as trying to build a relationship between Manny Tailor and Marcus O’Donohoe. A tough fixture against a good Northwich* side, Bolton struggled to get into their normal attacking flow with Northwich attacking for the majority of the game…but at 10-7 Bolton sealed the game with a James Franks gut pass and a William Regal Turner side step / hand off / dummy. Excellent performances from the whole Bolton squad made sure of this win, sales in Tramadol rocketed 45% after this fixture, as did sales of Rob Terry’s album, “Come and Spanky Jimmy Cranky”.

[b]Bolton 2nd XV 22 – 15 Blackburn 2nd XV – 22th March 2014

“He doesn’t score in big games”[/b] – Undoubtedly Bolton’s best result this season, Blackburn came to the Theatre of Trees leading the league and having beaten Bolton at Blackburn earlier in the season*, Bolton wanted to prove a point and did. Brad Cliff (always scores in any game) and Mike Singleton (doesn’t score in big games) grabbing crucial tries in a rain sodden fixture. This again proved how much as a team the Bolton 2nd XV had moved on, excellent performances from all meant Blackburn were toppled for only the 3rd time this season. Shine bright like a diamond.

[b]Bolton 2nd XV 24 – 0 Chorley 2nd XV – 29th March 2014

“Just bump into him with your chest, I’ve seen it on UFC”[/b] – Bolton went into a 24-0 lead quicker than it takes John Stryker to get to Thailand, a solid display was marred by poor referring in which Micky Singleton was introduced to ‘learning curves’ and his partner in crime Andrew H2O Murtagh decided he would finish a fight by running into someone’s chest, he didn’t win…it was just embarrassing for everyone involves. A dogged display by Bolton saw them hold out an aggressive Chorley side. The man of the match was Oli Relph for his intimidating match day demeanour and dancing ability with geriatric women in BL1.

[b]Bolton 2nd XV 24 – 11 Sedgley Park 3rd XV – 5th April 2014

“Let’s all go hover crafting like little gimps”[/b] – If you’ve ever been hover crafting on your own in Halifax then sort your life out, people who do that are clearly in some way talented at being gimpy. Anyway, Sedgley Park 3rd’s came to the Theatre of Trees looking for revenge as Bolton spanked them away from home earlier in the season…on this occasion the Park boys couldn’t blow BRUFC off the park as they had Manny Tailor. The Dreg Master (as he is lovingly known) has had a profitable season, not only has he profited from the gatekeeper putting him through gaps and scored 14 tries…but he has also fulfilled his ambition of playing in the first team. Manny struggled with his leg strength prior to this year, but has improved all-round the pitch and dedicates this improvement to his personal trainer.

[b]Littleboro’ 2nd XV 15 – 15 Bolton 2th XV – 12th April 2014

“This is my moment, this is my perfect moment” [/b]– Thomas Brewski Relph is an inspirational man, on this occasion his pre match captains talk echoed from the walls of the Auschwitz type changing rooms at Littleboro…his message, “please remember the food stubbs”, the score was a disappointing draw as Bolton clearly took their foot off the gas after securing promotion the week before. The highlight in this game was sprinter John Stryker’s constant jibes of, “isolate!! Isolate!! Isolate!!” as he tried to isolate the attacking Boro beasts.

[b]Burnage 3rd XV 12 – 19 Bolton 2rd XV – 19th April 2014 – Cup Semi

“Come see Daddy, he’s got a treat for you”[/b] – Bolton travelled to Burnage* hoping to grace the astroturf they stole from the nearby JJB soccerdome, their wish was granted as the players wandered around the pitch like the Liverpool squad donning white suits at Wembley in the 90’s. As coach of the year Pete “the meat” Marriott rallied his troops (wearing a cardigan), and out of action captain JK Rowling fired up the team (wearing his 1994 tracksuit bottoms) the Bolton outfit knew they had to improve drastically on the games from the previous two weeks. Highlights of this game included; Oli Relph being dropped by a lad from the blazing squad, Tom Relph subsequently shouting “He’s just hit my Oliver, daddy…warm the coffin”, a certain match winning shimmy try (Chris Turner – awesome), and more importantly Bolton overcoming a suspiciously better than average Burnage 3rd team.

[b]Fylde 3rd XV 31 – 19 Bolton 2rd XV – 26th April 2014

“You want H20? Well I’m your man”[/b] – Terrible game, no-one cared, Andrew Murtagh showed why he was a massively big deal at BRUFC with two tries, then he didn’t play again all season - brilliant.

[b]Stockport 3rd XV 13 – 10 Bolton 2rd XV – 3rd May 2014 Cup - Final

“Ringy ringy lets blow up the dinghy!! Oh it’s got a puncture”[/b] – It would’ve been fitting for Bolton to top off such a good season with a win in the final against a young buoyant Stockport* 3rd team. This game involved a classic Manny T barging try, an excellently finished try from Harwood hard man and local bin man Alex Waddicar and great all round performances from a number of players…ultimately the lack of a killer instinct and other factors* prevented Bolton from obtaining a well-deserved trophy.

Overall, this was Bolton 2nd XV’s greatest ever season, however finishing a close second in both the league and cup was disappointing for all the people involved. Bolton 2nd XV take pride in the fact they regularly sent players into the 1st XV, and never at any point changed mentality in what was a strong squad performance all season. They also played at a tempo not seen before at that level and with a strong team ethos stood strong when others tried tinkering with the brakes.

[b]*Guessing there was maybe a couple of ringers playing.

Awards collected at the end of season Perito’s party:

Players player sponsored by solid 90: Alex Quegan

The Pete Marriott Pre-Jac player of the season award: William Regal (Chris Turner)

The friends of a geriatric nature Top Try scorer award: Marcus O’Donohoe

Best assisting runner to gatekeepers / dreg award: Manny Tailor

Best H20 provider sponsored by Ricky Flutey: Andrew Murtagh

The hovercrafting award for most deluded man in rugby: Micky Singleton

The award for most pirouettes in a game: Jason Cheetham

Supporters award sponsored by the blue smoking jacket: Aiden O’Donohoe, Danielle (Quegs), and Mini Quegs (Evelyn).

The motor boating award for foreign players: Josh Richardson.

Body of the season: Rob Terry

The killer instinct award: Mark Crow

The Colonel’s award for services to precious stones: Taff

The greatest dribbler of the season: James Franks

Quote of the season: When set upon by 15 baying Tyldesley players….“You start it, I’ll end it” (Pete Marriott, 2014)

*followed closey by*

"Guys, where do we get the food stubs" (Tom Relph, 2014)

Regards,

Nash Bridges

Twitter: @nashbridgesNB

EVERYTHING LISTED ABOVE IS PURELY THE THOUGHTS AND VIEWS OF AN UNKNOWN SPECTATOR AND NOT THE VIEWS OF A PLAYER WITHIN THE SQUAD.